How to know when enough is enough..

...Well, how do you?

I've been with my boyfriend for awhile.. As of October 9th, 4 years.. If we make that.
Nearly every day for months now, we've been fighting and arguing over the same stuff. Well, I argue/bring up the problem, and he'll state his opinion.. He seems to have a "valid" reason for everything.

Since January 27th, I moved in with him and his family, because I was having trouble dealing with the emotional put-downs and anxiety it gave me being around my own family. The only thing that kept me around for as long as it did, were my gorgeous dogs.
    I hoped change would help me. I thought a new atmosphere would benefit my attitude and feelings towards Uni. I thought spending time with, and being closer to the person who was the reason for me to be strong in those bad times, would make me better. Oh, how I was wrong.

The "spark" is gone. Neither of us can remember the last time we said we loved each other. The intimacy decreased. Everything went downhill.

Almost 8 months ago I left behind the things that DID make me a strong person. I left my dad, I left my younger sister, I left my mum, I left my dogs, I left the real me behind, all to become an even more anxious person; to hide who I am out of fear of judgment and extreme self-consciousness.

The partner I called my best friend began to change. He stopped trying. He stopped putting the effort in. He stopped showing me he loved me. He says I'm ungrateful, because I never appreciate anything he does. I appreciate everything he does, because I don't know when the next time we'll have couple-time together again. It pains me.
So many nights have resulted in me crying myself to sleep. I'm what my family calls a "dweller". I dwell in the past of how amazing our relationship used to be. How sweet he was, how kind and caring he could be.. And then he got "comfortable". Being comfortable in a relationship isn't a bad thing, but his point of view referred to him feeling assured that he "had me" and I "wasn't going anywhere", with a smirk.. Not the best thing to say when I contemplated breaking up with him a month ago.

We've had similar arguments, going back 3 years, but they never occurred as much and regularly as they have the last few months.

Since I moved in, I have been nothing but depressed and even more anxious than I ever was. I needed him to be my rock, my support, my encouragement, and he didn't want to. I've stuck around for as long as I have because I hoped he would change. After arguing about the same stuff for the last three years.. I'm obviously naive to think he ever will. The problem is.. He's my first. First boyfriend, first kiss, first time; my first love.

I could continue rambling, but it is 4am and I have to leave for Uni in 4 hours.. *sigh* A situation like this can't possibly end good.

The things that make me, Me: Gaming

Feeling: Hopeful, yet stressed
Listening to: Reflections (Gryffin Remix) - Misterwives
Playing: Xbox - AC Revelations
Reading: nothing (Do tournament rules count...?)

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So, gaming.. I grew up on it. My mum taught me how to play Super Mario 3 on the NES, and since then, I've called myself a gamer - not a "girl gamer", I don't believe in that bullshit. ***Warning: going off tangent*** If you honestly call yourself a "girl gamer", you're stupid, to put it lightly. If you game competitively or play for more than say, 10 hours a week, look up gaming news, collect gaming merchandise.. consider yourself a gamer. Just because you have boobs and a vagina does not make you any 'better' or different to "male gamers". Does it really matter what gender you are? To add your gender alongside "gamer", is seriously pathetic. It's attention seeking. Just. Stop.

Anyway!!

So, I've been gaming for relatively 18 years now... holy crap that's a long time. I'm currently 21. I'm actually proud to call myself a gamer. In my childhood and teenage years, all I did was simply play games. It wasn't until I graduated high school and my parents demanded I decide on something to do with my life... so I enrolled into TAFE to get my diploma in interactive digital media (games specialisation).

The things that make me, Me: Anxiety

I feel, or believe that, I'm the most negative person I know in my life. That's not right, is it? I don't think so.
I suffer from severe anxiety, though, not taking medication for it (any longer). I was from end of March until the start of May (2014), but I felt like it was doing more harm than good (headaches, major fatigue, irritability and even less motivation than prior to medication) and the $40 a month my mum was spending on it (yes, I'm currently unemployed) just felt like it wasn't worth it. So, I weaned myself off the medication.
This anxiety affects literally everything I do; how I socialise/talk to people, determining whether I go out or stay at home, what I do for the day, how much makeup I wear, what I wear, how I treat others.. I hate it, and it's not an easy thing to overcome. I was officially diagnosed last year, but thinking back, I've been dealing with it since primary school.

I want to overcome this, or at least weaken its intensity and control it has over me. I need change, as much as I fear it. I need more confidence, as hard work it seems.. But hard work pays off, right?

First Post!

Feeling: Anxious
Listening to: Entwined OST - Sam Marshall
Playing: Xbox - AC Revelations
Reading: nothing

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I've been putting this off for since.. last Monday (14th), I think. I spent two nights playing around with the template and design of the blog, rather than just posting.. This procrastination and perfectionism has to end, or just cut back.. It's taking it's toll on too much of what I do, and because of it, I've even stopped some of my hobbies, out of both fear of failure and general procrastination.
It's now the 22nd.. Just to prove how much procrastination affects me: there's the proof - 8 days to write something I promised myself I would do to try and 'get better'. Not off to a great start.

So, this blog is pretty much a reflection. I will be recording things that happened on that day, my feelings for the day, things I found inspirational (ranging from quotes to music, etc), what I ate, and daily goals, Uni updates, planner and assessment schedule and so on.

I'm hoping that, by doing this, I'll be able to 'get better'. I want to understand my own behavioral patterns and emotions, what triggers them. I want to see if by changing my diet can I be more positive with thinking and feeling physically better (less headaches and stomach aches and fatigue, etc). I want to realise what inspires me, even on my darkest and emotional days. I want to keep track of all my uni work in one place, and understand my own thinking with my approach to it - why was I so stressed? Why am I finding this difficult? And so on.

Anyway, this was just a quick entry to write about what I'm hoping to achieve with this blog, and that is, more than anything, a positive attitude towards life. ♥